For those who don't know, Acid Queen is a Tina Turner song. I bring it up because our next door neighbor, who just moved in about two months ago, is a Tina Turner impersonator, and she definately seems to have some drug history.
Have you seen the MTV show, The Osbournes? You know, the one that follows Ozzy around and gives you an intimate look into the life of a druged out, permanently brain damaged, rock star? Well, that is what it is like living next door to Crazy.
It all started with First Contact. I misguidedly introduced myself to Crazy one day when she was out washing her car. She had on a wig like this, but with frosted tips.
She had on a tube top with BIG boobs that seemed to be oozing downward, making their way far south. She proceeded to tell me a bunch of things, most of which I could not understand because she mumbled so bad. She sounded like Mush Mouth from Fat Albert. I did catch that she was a Tina Turner impersonator, although I am not sure where she said she worked, or if maybe she used to work but doesn't now. Also, she said she used to be a runway model but, dsabgeugltrb slman nejdfrut. Um yeah. I don't know what that means either.
The next time we interacted with Crazy was when she came over one day to ask us for the Sunday paper. I think she said hers wasn't delivered or maybe it was stolen? We chatted for a minute, at least she did. We weren't entirely sure what she was saying, but I did clearly understand her complaint about helicopters circling around our neighborhood (which has only happened a couple times), and I understood her when she asked if I was a teacher. I said no, I work at a bank and she said something like, "OK! I knew it! I knew you were nasmbfjdbs lopknbud mutgfer." OK, buh bye now.
We saw her driving around a few times. She has quite the wig collection. I have seen her in something like this. I would describe it as Big Blonde Texas Hair.
And something like this. I don't know what to call it. Maybe Red Stripe? Or how about, SUPER UGLY, WHY WOULD YOU BUY FAKE HAIR TO PURPOSELY LOOK LIKE THIS? Oh, I guess that really isn't a description so much as a rant. Anyhoo.
And then there was Sunday a couple weeks ago. We were hanging around at home all day. Joe was working in the garage. He is building a shoe rack for me. It is going to be 4 feet wide with 3 racks. We think I will be about to get about half my collection on it. But I digress...
So I was inside watching reruns of Law & Order when I heard what can only be described as a ruckus coming from the garage. Joe poked his head in the house and said Tina was here and she wanted to talk to me. She was wearing a wig like this but it was on crooked and you could see the netting under the hairs.
I came out and she proceeded to explain several times (I think because we couldn't understand her) that she needed help getting gas. She wanted me to take her to 7-11 to get a gallon of gas because her car was empty and wouldn't start. Um, number one, there is no 7-11 anywhere near our house. I can't even think of where the closest one is. Number two, the car (a big black older Mercedes) ran out of gas because she was washing it, turned it on, left it running, went in the house to talk on the phone, and forgot about it for two hours. Number three, I am not going anywhere with Crazy Crazerson. Joe, thinking swiftly, suggests that he could take our gas can and run up to the Chevron and get a gallon for her. She agrees and gives him money. This causes a whole round of thank-you-so-muches and I-appreciate-your-helps that goes on for sometime and finished up with a soliloquy about how she respects me and she wanted to ask me first becuase she don' play dat, and she respects couples and I'm the wife, and now I am her girlfreen. So Joe takes off and I go back in the house, and Crazy returns to her house.
About 20 minutes later Joe comes back in the house whispering, "She is crazy!" We are alone in our house with the doors locked, but still feel like we should whisper. He explains what just happened: He got back from the gas station and took the can over to her. The garage was open and she let him go to the car to start pouring the gas, but then closed the gareage with him inside. This wouldn't be so bad, except now he is trapped in her house alone with her. He hastily pours the gas, turns on the car and tries to get out of there, but not before she can go on and on about how thankful she is and how great we are, and then....she flashed him! She added, "Now don' tell her I showed you my big titties." Joe quickly tells me this story and adds that he thinks she is going to come over again because she said she wanted to thank me. We concot an escape plan in which I will have my cell phone in my pocket and he will call me within 15 seconds so I can come back in the house and send her on her way.
Sure enough, she comes over, so I step outside. She is eager to thank me and goes on about how she really respects me, and thinks I am great, and that Joe and I have such a strong relationship, and he is so dedicated to me. Ok buh-bye.
Everything is back to normal for about 15 minutes, and then she came over again. She is convinced she needs one more gallon of gas because the car won't start again. Joe dutifully goes out again. This time when he gets back I go over with him. She is jabbering on about thank you thank you, and respecting couples, but has added a new comment into the rotation. Apparently she thinks I work in a bank branch and has decided I am brave. She says, "She ain't scared of nothin'. She'd hit that panic button and save everybody." OK. In the mean time, Joe is trying to get the car started and nothing is happening. She explains that you need to pour some gas into the carbeurator to get it started an something about the fuel injectors. I don't think you can have both a carb and a fuel injection system.
It isn't looking good. The car won't start and we don;t have anymore ideas. I start to try to make and exit, explaining that welp, I think this is all we can do for you, sorry. Crazy says she knows all about these older Merceded because she has (had?) five of them. But if this one won't get started then she'll have to wait for her motorcycle (???), and she has to go to the airport to pick up her sister and her nieces. Joe pronounces that he can't do anything more and thinks she has flooded the engine. He declares that we're done and another round of thank yous ensue. Crazy tells Joe that all the shows she sings tonight will be dedicated to us, her angels.
We finally get back to our house and lock ourselves in. About a half hour later we hear some catterwalling. Crazy is in her garage singing something, but all we can decipher is, "I love my Mercedes blah blah burb burble, I love my Mercedes..." and all of this without any music. I guess she just has some sort of amplifier or karaoke machine without music. This goes on for about 4 hours. So apparently when she said she was going to dedicate all her shows to us tonight, that didn't mean she was going anywhere.
As you can imagine we have been leery of her ever since. We come and go out very quickly and try to keep our garage shut. No other weird events have really occured, but we aren't pressing our luck. I don;t need to get caught up in her drama.
***UPDATE***
Today Joe went for a walk and when he came back she was out in the street in front of the house talking on her phone. She said, "I'm glad you're here. Can you tell him how to get here from Smith's?" as she held the phone out to him. Joe got on the phone and gave the man directions. After the whole exchange she explained that it turns out that car that wouldn't start had clogged fuel injectors, so she had it fixed and they are bringing it back. In the mean time she went and got another one of her Mercedes to use. Sure enough, there are 2 big old Mercedes in the garage now. Maybe when she said she had 5 she did mean right now. What a strange person.
